Tuesday, January 03, 2006 @ 2:16 PM
i was drained. so drained.
i was emotionally and mentally drained. i was tired. so tired.
but i was not spiritually drained.
i once again realized how ugly i had been, and am shameful of all the things that i've done. i haven't been a good example at home. i haven't been a good example in terms of studies. i haven't been a very good example in school. i fail, i falter.
i'm sinful.
and i cried. i repented and i said sorry to God, like so many time. i didn't understand why after so long, i still find it so difficult to change, to take away this laziness within me that failed me, failed God. i need more time, time and time. and i need more strength to do it.
i know that i alone can never accomplish this impossible task. i know i can't. it's too difficult for me. and God, yes, i know you agree. you agree at how weak i am. indeed i am, God. therefore, use me God. for it's all about You, not me. i know i alone can't finish this race, i need to finish it with You.
and after so many times of failure, after so many time i've broken God's heart, He's never once said "No." to me. He's never once rejected me. His arms were always opened wide for me. after all that i've done, He still loves me.
and all i ever wanted to do is to please You. You know my heart's desire, and You are pleased even though i didn't do as well as others, for You are pleased that i've did all I could.
amazed God. i'm amazed.
but God, i desperately need You close in my life, to keep me strong. it's hard for me to carry on without You. thank God for You, God. if without You, i really can't imagine what i might be now.
whenever i'm so down and when no one seems to understand; whenever i'm so alone where i could find no one by my side; and whenever i'm so drained- You were there for me. You were always there for me, to give me a hand, to wipe away my tears. You were there to listen to me, there to be with me, there to remind how much You love me.
God, i need You in every circumstance of my life. through good or bad, through sails and storms, through difficulties and struggles, i need You. will You be there for me?
of course I will. You'd say that.
and for that, God, i'm amazed. and thankful. touched, and loved.
how could i live without You God? just how?
thank You God.